Today I subbed for 5th grade.

For a Math and Science specialist.
Was a little unsure of how much help I’d be. 🙂 I know it’s only 5th grade, but still…by math ability embarrasses me.
         However, today’s schedule is pretty easy. They took a pre-test and filled out a MCAS review packet. I looked at both as the kids were completing them and was relieved to discover I could successfully do every one. Even the standardized test – and s.t.s can be brutal. It’s like a four-letter word for those of us who aren’t the best test taker. I realize that finding a joy (however small) in being a 27 year old who can correctly do math at a 5th grade level, might garner laughter or pity – but this is unavoidably true about me.

The English/Creative Writing major takes her menial math celebrations wherever she can find them.
I also, while growing up would get celebratory dinners as “congratulations” when I got a C in algebra (or other math classes) by my parents. Because a C was the fruit of busting my rear and not failing. So it was hailed by wonderfully supportive parents. (And a B would’ve been like an A+ for me. Which sometimes did manage to happen.)

     I divulge this information because I encourage the ability to know your weaknesses. It reminds me that I don’t have to be perfect at everything. That no one is. This is something I forget almost daily – that I don’t have to excel far and above at everything in order to be valued or accepted. My Creator doesn’t have a checklist with my name on it, waiting until each box of talents or deeds is filled before He’ll love me fully. Yet I consistently hold myself to these standards. It boils down to the futileness of my self-expectations (or those I perceive others have of me). If the Maker of Heaven and Earth and everything in between, has no qualifications of performance or personality to be worthy of love and of His sacrifice ~ then why try to bypass His freedom, only to place myself in bondage? It’s laughable when I really look at it. Yet it continues to be a struggle.
      So I half-jokingly find relief that 5th grade math isn’t hard. I find humor now, in this weakness of intellectual limitation. One down, 14,124 flaws more to go…to be secure in, to accept, to find humor in and ultimately to not use so harshly against myself.

This is what I remember today.

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