Not on your own…

Today, this proverb has been staring me in the face more than once.

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.” (Prov 3:5,6)
I’m going through….well let’s be honest….I’ve taken residence in a season of wayward behavior, lackadaisical belief/trust, and rushing waters of uncertainty. I’m nearing 30, a later-graduate of college than most, a seemingly responsible member of society, and jobless. I watching kids from time to time, and I had a recent yet brief stint working in an office. Add a substitute teacher and Barista title to that resume, and you’ve arrived at my entire East Coast career history. You may find it easy to understand that finding a full time, stable job, is high on my list of hopes and priorities.
I’ve been sending in resumes and cover letters. And I have to admit, even the process is fun. It’s exciting each time I hit the “send” button. Not because I have the illusion that “this will be it!”, because I have no idea as to that at all, so holding that as truth will only disappoint and discourage. The excitement comes merely from the process, the cultivation of communication, prioritization, and increasing my skills at “adulthood” in the career market. Having the internship with John I did this past semester was an enormous help in extending my skills, bolstering ones I already had, and introducing multiple advantages to the power of information and today’s business mindset. I gained courage through that internship – courage to learn all I can about the current world around me – to stay connected and aware. 
I digress, but what this passage in Proverbs reminds me of, is that my understanding is useless. As disheartening as that may seem at first, it’s actually a huge relief because there is so much I do not understand! I don’t understand why I’m at this stage in life. So many of my personal life stages have consisted of wandering, directionless confusion, financial instability (to unpack all the repercussions and details of this lifelong “yolk” would be too enormous), and attempts of self-reformation — to try to understand this, to explain or rationalize it away is futile. Proverbs 3:5 tells me this. Because what I AM called to do isn’t to put all this into a box, wrapped in a neat bow of understanding, but to trust instead
“…with all your heart” Um, I have a lot of pieces I can dedicate to these exercises, but I’m supposed to use my entire heart to do one great task? A task I’m not even sure small pieces of me are capable of doing, at least not consistently? I’m to sweep all the pieces in a pile, make a whole, functioning organ, then give that over completely to do something that usually feels painfully difficult? *Sigh*…that’s scary. That seems too hard. What’s the upside again? 
“…and He will make your paths straight.”
So my feeble hands and feet, my crippled way of living will be healed…made straight? Now I know You’re probably not saying “So trust in me, and you’ll have every earthy security, financial provision, and hierarchy status you’ve ever thought you needed” are you Lord? I didn’t think so. I don’t suppose that’s the highest goal worth attaining anyway, right? You’re probably saying “I will arm you with the strength you need, I will make your way perfect for you – for my plan for you, I will enable your feet to scale and stand on the highest places, so you can see all the wonders I long for you to see.” (see 2 Samuel 22:33,34; Ps 18: 32,33; Habakkuk 3:19 ) 

I have to acknowledge Him. I have to give Him the credit that is His. I have to stop letting my terrors limit my interpretation of His power. My fear is not worth stunting my growth in who He wants me to be. I do not want to stay – being the person I am now, at the maturity level I am at, the awareness I possess, the impact in the lives of those around me – I do not want to stay here forever. I don’t even want to stay here for another day. I want to improve, I want to see how His eyes see me. I’ve never let myself do that. I call God a liar in my heart before I take His Truth of who I am, what my worth is, how He can use me for His purposes. That is deplorable. How could I do that?? That has to stop. My heart, all my heart needs to trust in the LORD. Holy Spirit, step into action. Help me.
photo by iMorpheus via Flickr

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