Part of me (of most girls I’ve come to find) is that I can be analytical – in my head about things. Seeing all angles, wondering about differing outcomes, imagining scenarios working in various ways. For me, it’s not in a disaster or “irrational fear” way – I don’t think on what bad could happen in life and thus live in fear for it. Yet I still process many things at once. Or if there is something I’m thinking on I tend to hold it up to the light, rotate it a few times, inspect the crevices so I can learn what I can. To use what I learn to make “better” decisions or to grow in knowledge about a certain facet of life/relationships/faith etc. It helps me with compassion. It helps with empathy and sympathy – grows the ability to relate to the other person’s point of view, experience, and so on. It expands my ability to grow as a person, a friend, a “leader”, and as a follower. It helps me to love fiercely, listen intently, uplift enthusiastically, and encourage creatively.
Now, that’s the ‘Side A’ of it.
The ‘Side B’ is overanalyzing things people say, actions I witness either concerning me or not concerning me, my own decisions/possible mistakes or judgement calls on a matter, thoughts running through my head, conversations that need to happen or have already happened, confrontations, hurt feelings, placing unfair expectations on myself and others, not giving myself or others enough credit to love well…it goes on.
These are not flattering things to admit.
But they are real.
I bring them up, these idiosyncrasies, because I think it’s about time I store up the good and toss out the bad. I don’t want to change the part about me that searches, investigates, cultivates, loves to learn and deepen my relationships or awareness. I am grateful God instilled that in me. I am so very thankful and humbled beyond repair that He gave me compassion. A breaking heart for others. I can say this, because I KNOW I did 0% to deserve or qualify for it! There is not one shred of candidacy for amiable traits or the ability to love well. My flesh is the cancer of beauty. When I live by its standards, there is nothing that can grow. It can only fester and systematically shut down all healthy organs. Any shred of light comes from an outside source. Why He chose to plant it inside of me (or more theologically acceptable: make it available for me to receive) escapes my understanding. It is quite honestly, astounding.
I do not create goodness.
I squash it by the fact that I.Am.A.Sinner.
So ‘Side A’ is His genuine creation.
‘Side B’ is my genuine rebellion.
My ‘B’ living has lurked around lately. It’s the me that is starting to get a little bitter at a fractured relationship. It’s the me that questions why, yet again, I have failed. That I have made the wrong choice, or let a thought slip by that affects someone else, or held my heaps of imperfections up to the spotlight. It’s the me that grasps firmly that which is and has always been out of my control, rather than shake the dust of it off my hands and feet and give it to the only One equipped to haul the messy load. It’s the me that lives in gratitude one moment, and fear the next. It’s the me that allows distraction to creep in when I should be focused on my Savior, Warrior, Protector and Gentle Shepherd. It’s the me that forgets where my identity is. How it is etched in stone, and sealed by blood. How it was formed, held, fractured (by my own hand), then bought back from bondage and infused with a Love so bright and bold that all the previous darkness that may have surrounded it is obliterated by the Everlasting Light. It is not in the flimsy marrow of mortals.
This ‘B’ me isn’t perfect or beautiful. It’s laughably opposite. It’s damaged and ugly.
But guess what? Side ‘A’ isn’t perfect either. Because even the purest of water is tainted when put into a rusty pot. But it doesn’t change the fact that it is pure, perfect water from a spring that never runs dry. From a source that will not give up, walk away, or reject the vessel. Rusty though it is.
I will be perfect only once. On the day my body is separated from my indwelled Spirit. Then I will be restored for a time that will NEVER cease. No two or three or ten ‘Sides’. No good days vs bad days. Only glorious, resounding splendor. With the robes of an heir to the Throne.
That is a ‘me’ I literally cannot wait to be.
Please, if you’re comfortable sharing, leave a comment below about “who is the ‘you’ you are being today? Do you relate to opposing sides?
Who is the ‘you’ you’re just itching to be?”