I keep trying to think of something to say. Something to write.
I’ve started over 3 times already…
I just don’t have any knowledge…any focus…anymore.
Maybe I’m distracted.
Maybe I’m void of creative energy.
Maybe I’m just exhausted.
Maybe I have nothing to say after all.
I don’t know. I don’t know much.
But here’s what I do know – I know I’ve been harboring on the negative more than the positive for so long. Not for lack of trying, or being unaware of what I’m doing. I realize I should be seeing the positive instead. It’s not difficult for me, most days. Yet, there is a constant stipulation in my life: my perspective on others is usually healthy, observant, intuitive – while my perspective on my myself is usually pessimistic, warped, unforgiving and bewildered. (*Notice I say “usually”, not always. For in both accounts, I can certainly get it different from time to time.)
I remember an assignment in high school. It was AP English, Mr. Pogue’s class. We were asked to fill an entire sheet of notebook paper (I believe it was on one side only, any former classmates can help me out here with the details) with “what I know”. Some wrote in extra small letters, to fit it all on. Some wrote pretty largely, to fill it up quicker. I can’t remember my handwriting practice…it was probably somewhere in between. It was a good assignment though. It caused us to think of what it is that we do know. Mr. Pogue may have even asked us to use the other side to write what we don’t know.
But I just thought of this again, because sometimes it’s completely necessary to remind ourselves of what we do know. Of truth anyway. Because if I just think about what I know…there is a grand possibility that what I “know” won’t be necessarily truth as well. That’s a list I could write pretty quickly actually — lie-drenched knowledge. I’m a jack-of-trades in that.
So because I have no desire to, because I don’t feel like doing it, because I’d rather do something else less invasive and more evasive, because I have a stubborn will and rebellious spirit and an understanding of what I ought to do even though my flesh fights ferociously against it…because of all this, despite of all this – here’s what I know:
- I know Texas is hotter than imagination in the summer.
- I know the upper East coast has more snow that they have space to dump it in the winter.
- I know the sun rises in the East and sets in the West.
- I know the stars outnumber my imagination and captivate my attention.
- I know forgiveness is miraculous and understanding is stupefying.
- I know an intent, listening ear is as heroic as saving a life.
- I know there is a Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.
- I know God formed the sun and the moon with mere syllables.
- I know Jesus Christ is fully God and became fully man to endure a fully terrible fate that I may live without fear. That I may live abundantly – reattached to Him for my sin ruptured what was meant to be whole. Therefore he restored the broken. He finished the striving.
- I know I need to learn so much more about the Holy Spirit. But I know that I’m thirsty for the revelations of His ways.
- I know that I am hopelessly incomplete.
- I know I feel that every day.
- I know I’m not close enough to my Savior.
- I know I cannot always comprehend how even though I KNOW this FREE gift of grace is for ALL who come to Him, I often cannot own and apply this truth in my own life.
- I know that seems hypocritical.
- I know I need help.
- I know I have no idea how to ask for help. From anyone. Even from Him.
- I know I am broken.
- I know I am not alone, even though I cannot remember how to feel un-alone.
- I know a rock by a stream in view of a mountain peak surrounded by the noises of the inhabitants of the trees and the wind rustling the leaves, is my literal heaven on earth. My peaceful place. My instant joy and calm.
- I know because I am still waking with the sun, still inhaling and exhaling, that there is some reason (albeit completely unbeknownst to me as to WHY), a purpose, a plan for how I can be used. Glorifying myself is laughable and the biggest waste of time. I don’t want to need that. It is abundantly pointless. But if I am breathing to bring glory to Him somehow – even if I can’t see or know the ways where, how, why, who, or when – then I need to give thanks for that breath. Nothing less. I need to ask to be prepared. Begging to be dragged over the coals again and again, so the purpose can be fulfilled. So when the race IS over, I can hear “well done, good and faithful servant.” So I can collapse into His arms as the angels sing my homecoming.
Please, please….what do YOU know? Share with me? Do me the honor of learning more, through you. I could use it.