It’s been one time zone, two states, and 8 months since I’ve worked for a paycheck.
Yet imaginably, I’ve been thirsting for a chance to work and earn again. I’ve moved to help out family, and am blessed with work again. I’m serving at a fine dining restaurant. I am truly loving it, I’ve been here just a little past 2 weeks. The team of people are wonderful. The money will take time but when I get my feet under me, will be more than enough to support me and I’ll even be able to save again.
I am joyful and count my blessings for the way my King is providing for me and has provided for me throughout this past year. I’ve really needed to make my own way again.
So what happened just now has particular sting in my heart.
I have begun working tables on my own. I’m out of training, thankfully, so what I make, I get to keep. I had my first official full shift today at lunch. Saturdays I’ll work a double, so I’m about to head back in and spend the evening serving more. I left my lunch shift with my tips and began to head home. I can get a bit shaky if I’m on my feet all day and don’t eat enough, so I stopped into Freebirds (a local burrito place in TX) to grab lunch/dinner. I realized quickly however, that I wouldn’t have time to wait, so phone and money in one hand and keys in the other, I turned around to walk out the door.
The door wouldn’t budge at first push – it’s quite windy today as it turns out. So I gave another good with my hands and headed out into the open air towards my car. I got 6 steps before I realized my money was no longer in my hand beneath my phone. I went back inside, looking where I was standing in line – – no money.
It began to sink like a stone. My money blew away in the wind. I saw something flying down towards the grassy hill before the highway and broke into a sprint in shoes a bit too big (you can imagine how easy that was), praying “let it be the $20, please be the $20.” It was $5. I said a “thank you” in my head for catching a bill, whirled around and spotted a $1 by a curb. No more bills were flying in the wind. The rest was gone. After less than 7 minutes from leaving the restaurant.
I got back 25% of my tips. I am saying a prayer of thanks for that. But to be completely transparent, tears were immediately welling in my eyes as I got behind the wheel. “Wonderful. I can’t believe that just happened. Among the first dollars I’ve earned in all this time, and it’s gone!” I wanted to stop the tears, I had to think of something to focus on instead of this.
“Lord, someone is going to have a wonderful day when they find money at their feet, suddenly on the ground. This will be someone’s great moment. You will speak to them then, I hope they hear and see You, how You provide and care. Someone will benefit from this.”
Now this is something I’m still saying to myself now – – because I have to.
I don’t for one minute want to make it seem like I’m not devastated over seeing money I desperately need disappearing like chaff in the wind.
But I have to repeat that truth to myself so I focus on something other than myself here.
Because the truth is – my Maker sees me. He knows me. He looks at me and doesn’t look past me, but actually sees into my soul, my heart, which He fills and forms. He knows what I need. He knows my yearnings over this past year. My weaknesses. My desires for better circumstances.
I believe that.
I believe Him.
So if it means I have to repeat these words to stop the tears, until I no longer feel a lot sad and only a little joyous, but instead solely joyful…I’ll do that. And I’ll write it out. And I’ll be honest with my emotions. And then I’ll feel the delicate and comforting transformation that It’ll be fine. It could have been worse. God knows I need certain things, so what can worrying do? (Matthew 6:25-34) It can’t add hours. It can’t add dollars.
So I’m working at this new tactic of giving it away as quick as possible.
Go….go away from me stress and despair. Leave me. I only have room for the Spirit, I’ve no room for darkness.
So I will leave it at this: “And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:19)