I’ve decided to be proactive.
To begin well, so that I can be well, throughout the day.
I truly want to set my priorities right, and I thought it was about time I stopped thinking and talking about how I want to do that…and just DO it. No more excuses. Because (and I’m a big advocate of this truth) I have the choice.
I am always free to choose my behavior, my actions, my practices.
I want to stop hiding behind apathy and indolence.
I want to see fruit
and feel the connection I’m promised
I’ve committed to having the first words I think or speak in the morning be a specific prayer to my Maker.
Instead of rolling over in the dimness of the morning and checking email or facebook on my phone (yes, I’m ashamed to say I have done this a few times…still in bed…making that my day’s first activity. *Cringe), instead of stumbling into the kitchen, making breakfast, thoughtlessly plopping on the couch and clicking on the tv, instead of keeping my brain shut off or my mouth forming needless words – I’ve decided to take ownership of what is really important to me.
The mornings have been more and more difficult for me lately, because my nights are so unsteady these days. I’ve been waking with headaches, working with lethargy, living in a partial daze. It comes and goes, but it usually means I linger in bed, when I used to be able to wake without issue or hesitation.
When this began, is when I started trying to make the active part of my day delay just a bit more. That’s when I thought “I’ll just check my phone, see what’s been going on. Allow myself to wake up a bit.” In honesty, I don’t get on facebook anymore during the days, since I’m usually so busy with errands, upkeep and work. (I’d say about one to two days a week, I’m able to be online more than once.) So I justified these actions by rationalizing that it was my only time in the day to “catch back up”.
Still…I heard a still small voice of conviction. This doesn’t feel right. This is the first thing you’re doing? Isn’t there a better way to prepare yourself for the day? Even right here in bed?
Yes. I didn’t have to think about that answer.
So what could I tangibly do to change that? I had to think about what I wanted my ultimate end game to be.
To feel His presence.
Every. Single. Day.
To be aware of His work, actively in my life.
To have my eyes be opened to how He is continually involved with me.
This list flowed easily out. Those were the organic, core motivations.
And so – I’ve been praying a simple prayer in the morning. Between my Creator and myself. A good morning greeting, as my partner in my every-moment-life. A request that I may see Him – truly see Him – that day. (One day at a time.) That He would find some way to reveal His active presence to me. In whatever way He chooses, yet I specifically ask that my eyes are aware. That I notice His ways, and thus absorb these moments.
This is my 3rd day, and He has been faithful each day. Sometimes I don’t see our moment until the end of the day, sometimes I see it multiple ways. The bottom line is, He is faithful to give what I ask of Him.
I am longing for brilliance-passing-between-a-rock/white-hair moments. And the truth is, EVERY moment He reveals something to me can be that epic. At the core, I want to notice more. It’s not that He has withheld Himself from me, but that my distractions have distanced our relationship in devastating ways.
My idols, my stresses, my anxiety and weariness
has blocked the Light from shining as it’s meant to.
Tears have met me each time I see His answers to my simple, heartfelt pleas. A song. A note from a friend. An understanding of truth over a lie.
We are already stronger, He and I, because I am taking notice of Him once again.
I see a moment in my day when I’m breaking once again. When I’m drowning under a distraction, or bowing to an idol instead of bowing to Him. And in that moment, I give it everything I have (in reality, His Spirit moves inside my weak-willed soul) and I call out to Him. Sometimes in a feeble whisper. Sometimes in a shout of rescue. I ask Him: “Be near! Make this go away. Turn my head back to you and let the sweet honey of Your truth coat my heart right here, right now.”
It’s ALWAYS been my side of the road that’s needed repair. He remains. Without fail. Every second. He walks beside, waiting for me to turn my head and see Him once again. Waiting for me to let Him lead.
Prayers are always answered. He is faithful and just. When I DO, truly come to him in prayer and petition, with perseverance
presenting my requests to Him, He guards
me. He gladly and joyfully gives me the desires
of my heart.
For my desire is His face, His brilliance in my life. I’ll take the white hair and the temporary blindness to everything else. I will stand, with unveiled face, looking upon His glory.
For there is my only joy, worth all of my attention, even in the difficult moments of a morning wake.