And then…

I think how I hate – truly loathe – when I make a mistake…

    I think how I sometimes feel as if I’ve just missed out on something important…
        I think they must think I’m an imbecile – a joke…
I think I cannot possibly add depth and content to what others seem to already do brilliantly… there isn’t room, nor necessity for my additives. 
    I think what I do doesn’t really matter…
        I think I am more of a single stitch to everyone else’s tapestry…
I think why         seriously, why
And then
I catch a glint – a mere glimmer of illumination to another thought;
I hear a truth    another perspective
I see His words…
I feel something of Him nearby…

I take notice.
Instead of hearing the loudest of my thoughts, 
     I hush just long enough to hear the echoed resound of thoughts higher than mine.
My dear friend has a life verse that has been water to her more and more lately. Today I was reminded again of which set of His truth sentences has been honey to her scratchiness. 
Today she was speaking to her own heart to quiet its worry and questioning. She stilled herself with truth.
She didn’t know she was stilling my heart as well with the reminder of true ways.
I let the world tumult me in the spin cycle of mistaken identity. 
     I let the fruit of tree drip poison into my disobedient mouth.     
And the lies speak the fruit “sweet” when the truth I know names it “death”.

I still stumble.
    The shale I use to build my idol altars are not sturdy.
Yet THE Rock keeps me from hurling headlong.
My hand is in His. 
       He grasped me.
               Even though I let go to taste forbidden again and again.
                      Even though I turn my face from light to seek darkeness’ approval. 
               Even though I turn from the mirror and forget my own face almost immediately.
He grasps me. Clings me to Himself. Fills His essence to replace the wisps of my humanity.
I mourn my sin.
     I curse my flesh.
          I condemn my heart, beating raw, rubbing bare to bone.
And then…
He picks me up.
Dusts me off.
Takes the stones and grants me freedom. 
Finished freedom.
And He stands ready to do so again tomorrow if need be.
Because He knows me. He saw my face at Calvary. 
And He still said: Yes. 
Into Your hands I commit my spirit. 
You have your daughter back.

Selah.

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