It’s back. How I need it…
Forget the cliffs. The jagged edges of unknown plummets.
It’s not the heights. Or the monsters in closets. It’s not even the evil this world churns out.
It’s the supposed-to-be-safe places.
The knowing that you are human.
You can hurt me.
It’s knowing that you have.
Rubbing the sores of scarred past. Remembering the sharpness of how we slice each other.
Hurts hurt worse when you love first.
But isn’t that something He knows all about?
He loved unabandoned. Birthed an entire world to celebrate that love.
And we slashed His heart into slivers.
With one bite, we devoured His every hope.
I become an avoider of intimacy.
It’s been 30 years of practice. Of seeing what heartache can do to two people who said love would last (when in truth, it might never have been present at all).
Know what that does to a witness?
But it’s not blame I name. Nor what I feel. Simply that I have seen. And it’s the prescription of my lenses.
And it’s not only when looking at one kind of love.
Intimacy of all its forms…catches breath in throat.
Palpitations in chest.
It’s funny that a girl with asthma is the best at running fast away.
Taking risks in dreams. Fear.
Owning strengths. Big fear.
Naming them? Sheer terror.
Believing good and beauty applies directly to me? Flat line.
*Well…we all knew when we saw this week’s word that Lisa-Jo wasn’t kidding around. This will be a week worth of deep, heart-pouring posts. This doesn’t really tip an iceberg. I have a guess that many gals will feel as I as the time clicks done…there is more to this string of thought. May we each be brave enough to explore.