I’ve been avoiding it all morning.
I wrote my heart empty yesterday and I didn’t know empty had deeper reserves as I journaled in my Lent book and teared and sighed…
I know I’m ordinary.
But even ordinary seems so unattainable and lovely sometimes.
After all, I know He has used ordinary objects to declare His Lordship Might.
He has used seemingly simple people to shout great glory upon His name by the way they relent their lives to His using.
And I sit and wonder and hem and haw and have to ask….really, LORD?
‘You have so much at your disposal.
You have this whole earth and all its inhabitants.
Everything in it, is Yours. Wholly. Devoted. Useful.
There are so many more qualified and able to represent You in full — look to them. I cannot be what you want to use.’
And I stop typing because I know it’s blasphemy
to say what He can and cannot use
to imply that His power somehow cannot be manifested in one way (me).
I shake my head and want to slap my hand as a schoolgirl because I know that’s not right.
But oh how I sometimes feel as if I cannot help my doubt.
*And I have to stop to obey the rules and I shudder to leave it there. At doubt.
And I’m empty again and sorrowful and held fast anyway.
And oh how I wanted to avoid it.
But grace-filled encouragements like these bid me out of my shell and corner. Whispering words of worth that stick ONLY because I know without hesitation that they are not the words of a sister, but the words of a Spirit working in obedient daughters who declare their heart. For their heart is His and I stand in awe and I bow in thankfulness and humility and accept the hugs…because oh how I treasure hugs and how miraculous healing it is to be held when you need it. When you didn’t even know how much you did.
So I leave this sprouting leaves of thanksgiving rather than weeds of fear and trembling. Because of Him. Because of Love. Because of fellowship in the Body who somehow never leaves me alone in my lonely.