Because I fail often

It’s one of those days…

Credit: Flickr user Ricky Romero

Where staying in bed seems the far better option.
    Where the weight of tears still imprints on face.
Where you will lose that battle of rational vs emotional and you can’t stir up grace for self that sticks.

Where heavy is the adjective that conquers body and mind.
Because I fail often.             So often.               And it hurts enormously.
      And I have tender, loving, Jesus-preaching friend talking me down in whispers and prayers over phone line. Holding patience in her hand as words take time to form, then more as they spill without breath. 
      Love never names one small who feels big emotions even in the minuscule hiccups of life.

Then there’s the word:    g r a c e 
A word I know
and hold,
polish and shine
for the ones – every one – outside myself.
Knowing its truth, its weight, its glory
affirming its grip on the souls of His cherished.
Yet ask me to turn such thoughts, such application to self?     
                 I knot-swallow down the heart of the matter:
i      can’t 
I can’t find the patience in self’s fail.
I crumble feeble grace in shards and toss away the evidence.
I shirk the light and violently shake my head and plead for exchange in this spotlight.
anyone else but me…

But what hypocrisy!
   Grace I lay claim to for you somehow isn’t strong enough for me?
Who would want such conditional safety? 
Who would bow at the foot of a cross that accomplished nothing?
But by beauty – I am WRONG. 
Freedom is free and it is wide enough to extinguish all flames of disdain and disbelief, self-hatred and denial, doubt and trembling terror. 
By beauty my words are filthy lies 
                              and His Word is consistent-true 
                                                   and resounds across deepest valleys, darkest caverns, parched wilderness
“And the Word became flesh, and dwelt among us, ad we saw His glory, glory as of the only begotten from the Father, full of grace and truth.
For of His fullness we have all received, and grace upon grace.” (John 1:14,16)

“For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, …that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in the inner man, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; and that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God.” (Ephesians 3:14, 16-19)

“For it was the Father’s good pleasure for all the fullness to dwell in Him, and through Him to reconcile all things to Himself, having made peace through the blood of His cross, through Him, I say, whether things on earth or things in heaven. And although you were formerly alienated and hostile in mind, engaged in evil deeds, yet He has now reconciled you in His fleshly body through death, in order to present you before Him holy and blameless and beyond reproach” (Colossians 1:19-22)

“For God, who said, “Light shall shine out of darkness,” is the One who has shone in our hearts to give the Light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ. But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the surpassing greatness of the power will be of God and not from ourselves; we are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not despairing; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying about in the body the dying of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body. ” (2 Corinthians 4:7-10)

“For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin. Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” (Hebrews 4:15-16)

And I can’t even think through the sighs and limited patience and I still tense up and wish I were under covers but I hear it and see it and know it, naming it truth – naming my lies – not feeling it yet but knowing the real by the overexposure of false. 
And prayer.
I always need the prayers.
More than the covers, tangible they may be.
Because I fail often.

2 Comments on “Because I fail often”

  1. “And I have tender, loving, Jesus-preaching friend talking me down in whispers and prayers over phone line. Holding patience in her hand as words take time to form, then more as they spill without breath. “

    What a precious gift!

    Janelle Marie


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