The whir of fan is a comfort call to relax.
The waking up is the opposite of peace.
Today is wall day.
Where pieces of weeks previous and schedules and choices and all the aspects out of my control come in their waves, finally crashing together on one shore.
And it’s not the end of the world, but the waves won’t gather in just once. So I brace myself for the repetition and I acknowledge all of it with the first thought my brain musters once my eyes relinquish and open to the day’s beginning: today will be the day I hit that wall I’ve somehow avoided until now.
It was only a matter of time. And I’m even a little surprised it hasn’t come until now. Last week was an onslaught I knew was coming. No surprises. And with the exception of that one mistake I promised I wouldn’t make again but I did it anyway, there weren’t crashes.
But today, I would welcome a crash if it meant I could stay in sleep. Catch up on hours and days and replace the sheer brick fortress of exhaustion that I won’t be able to feel my way around. Wanting rather to wake another day and feel another way.
But I know….
I know that even though this wall greeted me, even though it looms and promises a fight to leave behind – I know it will pass.
The eyes-still-half-closed and the feeling with fingers and wobbly steps…this continued movement (which will be all I can conjure for the initial time being) will eventually bring about the change I know is promised. I will find a way past the wall today. I will not feel so run over. I will smile and mean it. I will find more time in the not too distant future to let eyes close again, and the tired will leave. Eventually. It is the nature of change.
So even though it is wall day (and maybe it is for you too), I will not fear nor fret. I will not let the broken nor the weighted win. I will smile and be polite and medicate headache and move on and wake up.
Today can be anything I need, because I didn’t make the day – He did. And He makes beautiful things.