Heart beats rapid.
The anticipation of words forming, thoughts leaking, habit breathing life after suffocating silence.
Choose is a word too powerful to harness. Often I conveniently push aside the truth that such action is not only attainable and available to me every millisecond of every day I draw breath, but further I rummage through the excuses that lie to me just how little I “need” to choose anyway.
Yet it blisters me with its brightness shining deep into my eyes: I have the power of choice.
I have the freedom of choice.
I need to muster the courage to CHOOSE.
|Credit: Flickr user Eric Vondy|
Confession: I have a fear of this verb. Sometimes. In the larger ways that evoke profound change of some sort or could lead to alteration that I would have limited knowledge of the outcome it would produce.
The change isn’t what’s scary. It’s what possible decision I make that could lead to the wrong change rather than the right change which gives me anxiety.
Small choices hold less paralyzation over me. I can make decisions. Even some “bigger” ones (what to study in school all those years ago, where to move and when to move, who to spend time investing in and knowing who hurts me more than supports me – thus choosing how much to allow them to influence me). And as I get older, some things become clearer, easier for me to identify and move within or outside of. I see such growth and I am enormously thankful for it. For the opportunity to learn and for taking the steps to be taught rather than ignore.
Yet still, I falter, dither, fear and stagnate. I avoid taking a step for the sometimes overwhelming fright of hamartia. Still….with His patience and leading, I improve with every situation given me.
Numerous choices are repeatedly presented me. Some I can feel more confident to accept and proceed through. Others still loom intimidating and cause me to falter in bravery. And still others bully menacingly, taunting my weakness and reminding me of my misguided trusts and minuscule faith.
The truth of the matter – this word – this honor of action will never leave me nor exceed my reach. I am always offered a choice. If not in tangible occurrence (i.e. what may happen to me or to others I care about – often being out of my control altogether), then always in the ability to decide how to act and react to circumstances. In many forms, in every fashion – to choose is to realize the scope of freedom. Freedom only He can provide. That which only He can truly deliver.
Disclosure: I took longer than 5 minutes friends. It’s been ages since I participated, and there is much swirling within me, not just about writing in particular, but about this word and the weight it carries. I wasn’t able, even with the allowance of overage, to dive into the specifics of what my insides are circling around in this matter. Yet still, I am here. Struggling. Trying. Thankful for the welcome as always.
Join the voices raised, the hearts shared, the always-welcome community of Lisa-Jo and the 5 Minute Friday crowd of brave.