I am camped in the guest room of our house, curtain partially back over one window, watching the steady snowfall we were promised here in Missouri today.
My husband is diligently doing all he can for our family, by sacrificing his weekend to plow in the city where he works (he is in city government/urban development, but part of their options are to plow when it snows). I won’t get a snowed-in, movie day with hot cocoa, games and blankets with him, but I know he has chosen wisely and I’m so thankful for the ways he provides.
I have cozied up in the guest room, dog snoozing beside me, music playing through the tv. I have my water, my decaf coffee, and all I need to enjoy the beauty outside. I try to use this opportunity to write. So my laptop is open and here I am.
It’s past the New Year.
The middle on January is upon us and I didn’t think time flew by in these last two months, but then I realized I hadn’t written since October.
I know my last post was a raw confession of all the emotions. Those are times I remember vividly and won’t forget, possibly ever.
I will personally always remember and think about our first. There is still quite a bit I process. Much to reconcile still. However I know that time does ease. Not forget. Not fix. Yet, ease. I know that now. I didn’t know if I believed that then.
I don’t know the scope of people who are connected here, through this site. Perhaps there are more than I realize where this is the only way they “know” me. Recently, on social media, I revealed some news that we waited a long time to share – that each day, I catch myself still not always believing.
We are expecting our rainbow baby.
Due to early bloodwork, we got to find out sooner than usual:
we’re having a boy.
We have been so supported and loved by so many. I am past my 16th week and each week seems to go so slowly. We’re learning we don’t get to see baby whenever we want, but also that it means things are progressing exactly as they should. I love my OB very much. Her entire practice and staff have been wonderful. They were with us for our first and have been with us every step through then and now.
Because of the timing of finding out the gender, we told our families in a small way on Christmas. It could’ve been more creative and I wish I could have made it a little more fun for them, but at the end of the day the way is not the memory – the celebration is what stays. We didn’t have a fun gender party reveal due to the timing but hopefully that doesn’t really matter to anyone. The days are sometimes a blur and I’m just taking it a step at a time.
My best two memories of all of that, however, is when I read the results alone during a work day at home & when I told James. When I found out, after the shock, I called my best friend so I would have someone I could share it with right away (James wanted me to tell him in a fun way). I burst into tears out of disbelief and joy. That past week or so, both my husband and I thought it would be a girl. No reason, just a feeling.
I’ll never forget being able to give him a gift Christmas Eve (it was hard to keep that to myself for a whole day and a half) that revealed to him that he would, in fact, have his son….
I tear up even recalling. I am so happy I could give this gift to him. His reaction was mine as well. Tears, surprise, gratitude. We are overwhelmed with happiness, relief, so much all at once. Knowing the gender made it all the more real, we realized. I think we were holding our breath (I know we were) through the big milestones – the blood work and results for some pretty important factors that so far, have all come back with great results. When I found out the results of those tests, is when I saw the gender. All at once I was able to breathe.
We would have been so happy with a girl also. As my husband puts it, he would have been in big trouble – being wrapped so tightly around that little one’s finger. Still, I think he will be just as enamored with a boy. With our first pregnancy, he kept cracking jokes that it would be a boy. No negotiation. (He was only scared to death of a girl – but happy either way.)
When I think of how our son will look up to his Daddy, how he’ll emulate him and be in awe – I fill with such joy – my heart runs over.
I’ve been trying to think if I wanted to have a word this year. I did attempt the first participation last year. Truth be told, I didn’t focus on it very much. Though hindsight is always 20/20 and wouldn’t you now, this year has most definitely been one where I needed to L e a n.
I was pushed into leaning because often, standing on my own wasn’t really an option. I would like to take a while to reflect on all that last year [in conjunction with L e a n] left me. That may be another post for another time.
In trying to think of a word for this year, not knowing if I would choose one or not, a few came to mind. I don’t have one that is speaking strongly, however. So I will digest and pray and see if it will be something I use again. In all honestly, I need it more this year – a focused theme. Our lives are about to dramatically change forever. Nothing will be the same. Everything will turn on its head and we’ll be walking through everything altered. In the best possible way, yet I know I can’t even prepare for what’s in store.
Still, I don’t want to force or rush it.
New experiences, new growth, new dependence, new perspective. Like this little man growing inside, life itself will be new.
I’m thankful, more than can be described, for the opportunity. I don’t take this lightly. I know how incredibly fortunate we are to have this chance. This was my desire. I ached for it even more than I knew I would. This is my wildest dream and I am deeply grateful that I get to experience it – to walk beside my person, our families and friends – and go into the unknown.
I plan to write more this year, during this process. There are sweet stories to share and just the normalcy of the every day, which I often find the most lovely.
For those who did keep track of the journey, I am still writing letters for our first born. I kept the pages from our first and they will be taped to the back of the journal for our son to read when he’s older as well. I will speak to our son about our first. In love, in memory, with intention. I decided to use the same journal, and right away explained its origin in my first letter to him. The pages from before are safely tucked and while it still hurts to read them, I cherish them deeply.
We learn through everything, if we are open. Even when we’re closed, we can come back to discover. It’s never too late to grow.
I’ll end with this: at midnight on New Year’s, when the ball dropped, tears spilled down my face as I held my sparkling grape juice and leaned on my husband, looking up in his eyes. “This is the year our son will be born.”
I was slammed with the miracle of beauty from ashes. How 2020 will be more significant that we could ever hope. I know this year will alter every facet of our lives, but I am ready for whatever comes. All of it will make me a better person. Will make the memories that last. Will be dreams come true and pains realized .
And it will be beautiful.