There’s that saying, we never stop learning.
I’ve always appreciated what that meant. I loved College not for the normal reason of meeting great people, being on your own, going somewhere new. All of that is valid and played a vital part of why I loved the years in my College town. However what I loved the most is getting to tailor my education to topics I loved and was interested in.
Yes, there was the first year filled with requisites that I had to suffer through (I dropped physics when I found out there was calculus involved – yikes!) however getting to start right away with courses that would be towards my major (I began as an Elementary Education major but changed after my 2nd year to Creative Writing/English Lit) was such a refreshing time.
I love to learn new things. I think it keeps me young, on my toes, and advances my ability to have compassion on myself and others. The more I learn, the more I can relate to in those different from myself. I wish I had taken more classes and I do miss that opportunity of a structured environment. There is no reason for me to pursue a Masters or Doctorate, so those days of super formal are gone, but there are brilliant options like Coursera or the ability to take a class here and there just for my own interest.
This post isn’t about college though. The learning segues into the fact that from this point on (or really, from October onward) I am discovering so much, which won’t stop or slow down; I’ll miss the mark on so much and try and fail repeatedly.
Learning about pregnancy and physical, mental, emotional changes…learning about what life will transition into (or more accurately, trying to learn but in reality knowing I can never be fully prepared for the actual experience) is a daunting endeavor. Yet one that cannot be circumvented.
Being pregnant and having chemistry changes and you know, growing a person – that jacks you up pretty good.
I’ve always been a sentimental person [surprise of the century] but goodness…commercials, anything heartfelt or sweet…where before I would be moved, now I’m moved and crying without trying. Husband has already gotten some chuckles when I’m full on mourning the death of a person on TV who isn’t real and who I’ve seen “die” a ton of times because it’s reruns for crying out loud [ha, get it?].
And when grief is real – when there is an actual person and a family so dear to you that is going through the unimaginable…it’s deep and consuming and of course actually matters... there are no words.
Also, the physical things I’m flat out oblivious to until I’m going through it.
I honestly have been so grateful and out of sheer indescribable luck have had a very easy pregnancy. I never had morning sickness. Seriously. I know that is the hardest and most grueling part for some. I just never had it. I would have a little nausea creep up the sides of my throat, but never sick. Never lingering.
I do have other symptoms but for a woman who’s lost before, lack of symptoms that are so common in others isn’t a great relief at first. It’s an added worry and trigger for anxiety. Yet all appointments have gone well and there are many reasons to allow ourselves to actually start planning in earnest for this one. To get excited and buy some things and dream a little more.
With that, and by progressing into this 2nd trimester (I’ll be 20 weeks in one day), things are starting to be more real. I learn what my body is doing to prepare. I learn what we’ll need for the first few months, and what we probably won’t. I am finding out how we will want to do things and what we will choose to use with our son in everything from diapers, wipes, practices, to environment, family outings, daily life, etc.
It’s overwhelming, trying to think of all the ways I need to try and prepare. The things that I can’t wait for, what I need to figure out and then realizing what can wait and what we can “develop on the spot”, learning as we go.
Any parent you speak with will tell you it doesn’t stop either. Even after their child is 18 and becoming an adult – you’ll adjust constantly and transition along the way. You, your family, your environment, your choices, your methods, everything.
That can be daunting and scary to realize, but part of me is genuinely excited for that. I don’t like too much routine. I enjoy being surprised and gravitate towards spontaneity. I do, however, also value some structure and realize how much better I can appreciate and enjoy the unplanned parts of life – when I have some routine I can depend on. It’s a beautiful balance and as I get older, I value it more than I bristle against it.
So knowing that I’ll never really have it all sorted out – that we’ll think we may be good, only to have something shake it all up like broken puzzle pieces that we have to work together to reassemble – is oddly comforting. I’m ready to step into the unknown. I have peace about the process because we’re not ever alone on the roads.