This is a long time coming. Jaxon, our miracle son, is over two months. For a writer mom, this is a highly anticipated rite of passage. At least it feels that way. This is Part 1 of 3. Here we go – our birth story..

The origin

We found out we were pregnant in October of 2019. Earlier that year, we had our first pregnancy and our first loss at 11 weeks. I share that chapter of our life here. November was the due date of our first baby. We had planned a trip for the due date week so we wouldn’t be home dwelling in the pain. We decided a trip would be a healthy way to honor our first and to process together, the weight of it all, while also giving ourselves a peaceful scenery in which to do it all.

We had a friend refer us to a travel agent who took care of everything. I recommend this if you are planning your own special getaway. It took all the planning out of our hands. Michele was the name of our kind agent and she had them treat us so wonderfully. We chose the package where the premium alcohol was available, because when in Mexico – am I right? We were set to leave November 1st. Our first baby’s due date was November 5th.

It was a Saturday that I found out I was pregnant with Jaxon. There were 3 weeks left until our due date trip to Mexico. I knew I was set to “start” that day so while we had a full day planned out and about, I made sure I had supplies with me (girls, you know what I’m talking about; guys, sorry for TMI). I had taken a pregnancy test just two days before, on Thursday. It was negative and for the first time, I wasn’t wrecked by another no for another month. I had the trip to focus on and for whatever reason, it didn’t break me down this time. I just knew we’d have next month to try again.

I normally “start” in the mornings. It was getting into the afternoon hours and nothing had happened. I had been texting my best friend. Not getting my hopes up because two days ago, there was a digital, clear “no”. However she said (also not trying to get my hopes up) that early testing won’t always be accurate. Hormone levels can be that different from day to day. Saturday was my actual supposed-to-be first day, so I was expecting it to be business as usual. We had been out most of the day and pulled into our driveway nearing 3pm. Without sharing any of the thoughts in my head with my husband just yet, I headed straight for the bathroom to take another test. Waiting the 3 minutes or so was a high-energy internal process.

After we miscarried, a few months later (or less, time really smooshes together during that stretch) I was in a sporting clothing store and against my better judgement, was in the kid section of the Kansas City Royals. I saw a lovey blanket (one of those that has the stuffed head of an animal, but a blanket as the rest) of a bear with the Royals insignia. It brought tears of course (as most baby items did after the loss), but I picked it up and I bought it. I thought to myself: “if God allows, one day I may get another chance and this will be a sweet way to tell James, or to just have for the future baby”. It hurt deeply to pin any amount of hope, because of course we can’t know the future. Yet it was an act of healing for me, to ignite a hope at all, and to buy something that I may or may not use. It’s hard to explain, but I did buy it and I put it in the top back shelf of my closet for an unknown day.

Once the minutes passed, I took a deep breath and looked down for the results. When I saw “pregnant” on that digital test, I audibly said “are you serious?” and proceeded to hit my head on the side of the shelf. I just looked at myself in the mirror and saw this uncontrolled smile on my face while my eyes were wide in disbelief. James heard either my words or my head hitting the shelf and asked from the other room if I was okay. I just said “yeah! Just hit my head, I’m good”.

I came out from the room and into the kitchen. Husband was getting ready to mow the lawn and I asked if he could wait just a moment. I turned back and in our room, pulled out that small bag and retrieved the Royals bear lovey, grabbed the test and since I didn’t have too long to do anything more, simply put them behind my back and walked back out to the kitchen. He gave me a wary look and with a half smile and half shrug – I pulled the items from behind my back to show him and said “Well, we’re going to give this another try, here we go. I’m pregnant!”

After a loss, announcements like this are a little different for each of you. I’ll never forget our feelings and reactions from when I told him about our first pregnancy. We’ll not have that carefree innocence again, but it was so special and I don’t regret it. With this new announcement, we both were guarded more and you hold back some excitement out of habit and past experience. It doesn’t mean joy and hope isn’t there, it’s just different.

He took a half second to let it process and we hugged and looked at each other’s eyes and said “we’ll just take this a step at a time”. I also mentioned that he gets to enjoy all the alcohol in Mexico because 3 weeks out and it’s off the table for me!

[Another day I’ll talk more about our due date trip. I thank God for the timing of finding out about this new baby. Our trip was hard and beautiful but it was made so much better by knowing there was a baby growing again. It would have been so much more impossible being there, seeing families and babies on the beach, if we didn’t have the hope growing and knowledge that we get another chance at this growing family.]

I’ll stop here because I had typed out the whole next section of “The Pregnancy” and it’s long also. Best to save that for its own post that I’ll have go live tomorrow. Ahead, I’ll speak on the time leading up to the day we were going to meet our son. Lastly, I’ll finish with a part 3, of the day of his birth and the days immediately following.

Thank you for reading and being interested in our journey.

{If you want to read related posts, I share about our loss in this post; I expand on how grief can come back in random moments in this post; and I share about our rainbow baby announcement here.}

To be continued…

Featured image: Personal photo – son’s nursery wall
Other imagaes: Personal collection/sonogram
“For this child” sign and photo, courtesy of this company

1 Comments on “Our Birth story, part 1”

  1. Pingback: Our birth story, Part 2 – Daily Refined

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